Finding my footing, Danté, grad school and realizing yet another performance
The anticipation is what keeps me feeling unfocused. Not knowing how to find answers, or from where, or what constitutes a valid answer…that’s what makes me feel anxious and ungrounded.
How do I get grounded? By breathing, and doing things that remind me to breathe.
There’s a pit in my stomach that’s hard to let go. It got there when a work call came unexpectedly. If you let people know you’re available via phone on Fridays they will call.
The room is a mess. The trouble with creative work is post-production. So much happened this week. So much was generated:
- Danté and I watched Judah: The Black Messiah and recorded our reaction to it.
- I had my first music theory class where the discussion wasn’t even fundamentals, but right next to the fundamentals, so I feel a bit behind.
- I’m in the thick of the first Sun Ra reading for the class which is just 50 pages but it seems like forever.
A lot of listening, a lot of reading, a lot of talking, a lot of engaging, anticipating…anticipating who exactly? Him. To see when we’re both not busy again. To see when he’s in the kitchen, or peeks his head past the threshold of the room where I stay. He’s something. He really is.
*deep exhale* as much as I know there’s work to do, and as exhausted as I feel sometimes, lol I still want him there. He’s got so much energy! As much as he criticizes artists with no respect for deadlines, he came here to give shape to his work, too.
…hands are dry from washing them so much. Which reminds me: I need to do CoVerified again. I haven’t gotten my test results yet.
- What did I come here to do again? And,
- how can I stay focused, while at the same time being exposed to all this newness that’s changing me oh my god is it changing me?
We had another Truth Circle debrief at work, this time with the co-chair of the board. Something magical is happening. Something transformative. This idea from the pedagogy class that we’re afraid of the encounter because we don’t see each other as human is earth shattering.
- Why are we afraid to touch? To spill into each other?
- Are we afraid of finding out we’re made up of things we’re not proud of? Or that we can’t explain? Or that we didn’t know was there?
I’m amazed. And feeling helpless. And feeling like I’m failing perpetually with some of my coworkers and family members — I boo-hooed at a team meeting because I’m scared of being outcast, only to completely miss a 1:1 afterward with one of the key people I feel like I’m not showing up for.
I am awakening to the fact that I’ve been in yet another performance. One performance to the next…just another show. Instead of really living.
Performance maintains the current arrangement. Heart practice causes radical change.
How do we stop ourselves long enough to be in practice, in order to generate what we need, and really living, instead of jumping from one performance to the next and calling it a life?
*gasp* I looked up just now: he left me a gift when I wasn’t looking. It’s right there at my door. He was here. Wow. Friggin Peter Pan. In my house. Sheesh.
I wanna finish the ep. Finish the video. Finish the readings and discussions. Write my 500 words a day. Hydrate and breathe every day…I want to finish something. That’s what I want. To finish something and share it so that it reaches people. Building the thing. Marketing the thing. Doing it again.